Personal Note: This is the story of a gun toting, baby having, wolf killing, god-created-everything-and-we-are-the-only-species-that-matters-in-the-universe philosophy, abstinence teaching conservative bitch.

Integrity Note: Everything below this line is complete fact. No falsifications or unmerited rumors. All facts. All Palin. Please read on.

We begin our fact finding adventure with a video. Here's a clip from an interview Sarah Palin did on CBNC on July 31st, 2008. Listen closely as she identifies exactly how qualified she is to be the vice president of The United States of America.

FACT #1: Sarah Palin was born Feb., 1964, in Sandpoint, Idaho. Her family moved to Alaska when Sarah was an infant.

FACT #2: Sarah Palin was elected governor of Alaska in 2006 and WILL HAVE SERVED two years by the end of 2008.

FACT #3: Sarah Palin is Alaska's first female governor and the youngest governor elected in the state.

FACT #4: Sarah Palin was the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, for six years, from 1996 to 2002. She was on the city council for four years before that.

FACT #5: Sarah Palin was a TV reporter for Two years.

FACT #6: Sarah Palin was a small business owner for Nine years, including part-time work.

FACT #7: Sarah Palin has four Years of municipal legislative experience.

FACT #8: Sarah Palin has six Years of municipal executive experience.

FACT #9: Sarah Palin has one year of state commission experience.

FACT #10: Sarah Palin has two years of state executive experience.

FACT #11: Sarah Palin eloped with her high-school boyfriend, Todd Palin, on August 29, 1988, when she was 24 years old.

FACT #12: Sarah Palin staunchly opposes abortion, even in cases of rape and incest.

FACT #13: Sarah Palin supports the teaching of abstinence-only programs in schools.

FACT #14: Sarah Palin believes there is no connection between global warming and human behavior.

FACT #15: Sarah Palin supports teaching creationism and "intelligent design" in schools.

FACT #16: Sarah Palin supports gun ownership and is a lifelong member of the NRA.

FACT #17: Sarah Palin supports the death penalty for Americans.

FACT #18: Sarah Palin opposes polar bear endangerment listing.

FACT #19: Sarah Palin put a $150 bounty on wolves in Alaska, and even supports the practice of gunning down wolves from planes.

FACT #20: Sarah Palin was named Miss Wasilla in 1984 and was a runner-up for Miss Alaska.

FACT #21: Sarah Palin's favorite meal is moose stew.

FACT #22: Sarah Palin wears fur.

FACT #23: During her time as mayor, Sarah Palin drove her town deep into debt.
EXPLANATION: According to Politico, "Palin, who portrays herself as a fiscal conservative, racked up nearly $20 million in long-term debt as mayor of the tiny town of Wasilla. That amounts to $3,000 per resident. She argues that the debt was needed to fund improvements."

FACT #24: Sarah Palin eloped with and married her husband on August 29th, 1988. Track Palin, Sarah's first child, was born April 20th, 1989, according to public records.
EXPLANATION: That means that her son, Track Palin, was conceived about 1 month before the two were married. Unless, of course, he was very premature. Having children out of wedlock is generally frowned upon by the conservative and evangelical right.

FACT #25: Sarah Palin was at one time, a secessionist.
EXPLANATION: So yeah, there's a wacky political party in Alaska that wants to secede from the union. It's called the "Alaskan Independence Party" and Sarah Palin was a member back in the '90s, until she ran for mayor. They hate America! Sarah Palin hates America! Also, awesome logo.

FACT #26: Sarah Palin is a devout "Creationist."
EXPLANATION: Therefore Sarah Palin firmly believes that the earth is only 6000 years old.

FACT #27: One of the first things Sarah Palin did as mayor of Wasilla was fire the Police Chief.
EXPLANATION: After taking over as Mayor of the small town of Wasilla, Sarah Palin fired the longtime local police chief. That former police chief, Irl Stambaugh says he was fired because he stepped on the toes of Palin's campaign contributors, including bar owners and the National Rifle Association.

FACT #28: Sarah Palin is involved in what the media is now referring to as "trooper gate."
EXPLANATION: The story basically involves the firing of a colleague because he wouldn't fire her ex brother-in-law. Find out more in the video below.

FACT #29: Sarah Palin wanted to ban books from her local library.
EXPLANATION: As mayor of the tiny, presumably quirky little Alaska town of Wasilla, Palin did inject a bit of old-fashioned culture war politics into the local library. From Time, via Kos: "'She asked the library how she could go about banning books,' he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. 'The librarian was aghast.'" Hah. So much for the "sexy librarian" thing, right?

FACT #30: Sarah Palin has an "eccentric" preacher.
EXPLANATION: This one is less likely to be relevant to anything, because it's a crazy right-wing white preacher, and we are quite used to seeing them on TV and not even bothering to be shocked by them anymore. Anyway. Sarah spoke before her old church in Wasilla a couple months ago. She grew up and was baptized there. The senior pastor there since 1999 is, obviously, a crazy right-wing evangelical nutcase named Ed Kalnins. He once said Kerry voters will go to hell, and people who criticize the president will go to hell, and Iraq and 9/11 were wars of faith and other fairly doctrinaire beliefs for the modern-day Christian right, their recently scrubbed moderate-ish image notwithstanding. Anyway, crazy pastor!

FACT #31: Sarah Palin is under investigation for allegedly abusing her power as governor to help her sister in a messy divorce.
EXPLANATION: According to the Washington Post and other news outlets, Palin "has been embroiled in a bitter family feud that has drawn in the state police, the attorney general, the governor's office and the state legislature." In fact, a "bipartisan state legislative panel has appointed a special prosecutor to investigate whether Palin improperly brought the family fight into the governor's office," the newspaper reports.

FACT #32: Sarah Palin has at least some ties to Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, who has been indicted for political corruption.
EXPLANATION: According to the Washington Post's The Trail, from 2003 to 2005, Palin was one of three directors of "Ted Stevens Excellence in Public Service, Inc.," a 527 group that could raise unlimited funds from corporate donors. A "527" refers to a section of the tax code governing such campaign groups.

FACT #33: Sarah Palin was at one time FOR the bridge to nowhere.
EXPLANATION: In October 2006, Palin was asked, "Would you continue state funding for the proposed Knik Arm and Gravina Island bridges?" She responded, "YES. I would like to see Alaska's infrastructure projects BUILT SOONER rather than later. The window is now--while our congressional delegation is in a strong position to assist."

SOURCES:

• Anchorage Daily News
• Vogue
• Washington Post
• Almanac of American Politics
• Associated Press
• Washington Times
• Biography Resource Center Online
• Politico
• New York Times
• US News
• Gizmodo
• Valleywag
• Gawker