I work in an office. I am the “computer guy”. I built the system we use to manage our information so I get a lot of “Why doesn’t this work?” and “My so-and-so isn’t doing so-and-so like it used to!” phone calls. Sometimes I just like to mess with them, so here’s some good lines to use if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Conversation usually goes something like this:
Office-Lame-Guy: Uhmm, dude my computer, like. It won’t. Like. See my email used to…
Me (Awesome Tech Guy): *Clears Throat*, Ok, What exactly is the problem?
Office-Lame-Guy: Basically I think my email has some spyware or virus or something. This thing keeps popping up when I try to upload this animated picture of my friends cat to my myspace as the background of the page.
Me (Awesome Tech Guy): INSERT ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
“Have you tried turning it off and back on again?”
“Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
“Ok first I want you to go to http://apple.com/store…”
“Let me put it this way: Have you ever seen McGuyver?”
“So… what are you wearing?”
“Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
“Oh your MySpace must have gotten hacked, just give me your email and password and I’ll take care of it.”
“Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals there, Cap’n.”
“Sounds like you may need a new flux capacitor.”
“Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with Fox News. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
“We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
“In layman’s terms, we call that the YouSuq™ Effect.”
“Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of libro de los muertos.”
“Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”
Justine Sane on July 19th, 2007 at 12:59 pm says:
“I’m sorry? Are you from the past!?”
haha. Yes.
Lets watch that when we get off work!
Mase on August 17th, 2007 at 4:52 am says:
I dig it. Used to do PC support… My favorite thing to throw out is, “Well that looks like an ID-10-T error, so let me show you what to do about that…”
The only guy who ever caught on burst-out laughing.
Elaine on April 4th, 2008 at 10:59 pm says:
I’m stealing the MacGuyver comment! Knowing the least bit about computers these days makes you a veritable Merlin to a typical cubicle drone.
cynmc on April 5th, 2008 at 12:34 am says:
Oh, gawd…sometimes I’m the one asking the dumb questions…well, not usually that dumb, but still!
I vote for dilithium crystals, or a new flux capacitor…or maybe just duct tape. That works for almost anything. If it gets really bad, you can always put a strip over Office-Lame-Guy’s mouth….
aljuk on April 5th, 2008 at 7:47 am says:
There’s an english TV comedy show called The IT Crowd. You can find a torrent at http://isohunt.com/torrent_details/27813623/the+IT+Crowd?tab=summary
You should definitely check it out, I reckon you’d find it really funny.
Andrés David on April 5th, 2008 at 8:03 am says:
This brings back fond memories of the Bastard Operator From Hell (BOFH).
soophie on April 6th, 2008 at 7:48 am says:
this is why I love The IT-Crowd
Nindya on April 6th, 2008 at 10:57 pm says:
“Have you tried turning it off and back on again?” - LOL, this reminds me of ‘The IT Crowd’
Eric Miltsch on April 7th, 2008 at 1:11 am says:
Classic…Such fertile ground.
Nils Hitze on April 7th, 2008 at 5:53 am says:
So true, so true
Jeff McCord on April 7th, 2008 at 10:00 pm says:
Jake,
Freaking hysterical!!! So true!!
I’m a recruiter for a Dallas-based Ad Agency and I’ve recruited a few of our helpdesk guys and they’ve told me some similar stories… poor non-IT people… just don’t get it.
Hang in there!
Jeff McCord
http://www.jeffmccord.org
Marius on April 8th, 2008 at 5:29 am says:
“So what are you wearing”
That’s hillarious!
Sabrina on April 8th, 2008 at 7:33 am says:
LMFAO! “Duuuude! Bummer!”
spiral on April 8th, 2008 at 3:17 pm says:
I second aljuk recommendation for the IT Crowd. A classic in the making.
And yes, I did three years of ISP support - so I didn’t have the opportunity to visit these people and beat them with their keyboard when they install every popup advertised searchbar and browser helper.
But I’d like to.
carmelyne on April 8th, 2008 at 9:32 pm says:
Dude Bummer always gets the message across…. lol
Celes on April 8th, 2008 at 11:02 pm says:
“Dummy mode on.” Of course, that always assumes there’s a dummy mode off.
I love that the guy automatically blames spy ware. No, it couldn’t possibly be you. No. Never.
Maybe you should have gone with that. You agree with him, look at the computer, and ‘find out’ it’s so infected with spyware and worms and trojan horses (and anything said in the movie Hackers) from hackers in their system. “Try to get the system back”. Play some techno as you try to ‘beat the viruses’ by typing really fast and playing little animations that show you battling the viruses.
Then, and only then, give the good news and the bad news. The good news is that you beat the hackers and saved their computer. The bad news is: that all their files were erased except for a few porno files that didn’t even exist beforehand.
There’s a little BOFH deep within all of us.
Heidi on April 9th, 2008 at 4:43 pm says:
ROFLOL
Bailey on April 10th, 2008 at 2:37 pm says:
hahaha. you remind me of my boyfriend. by far the worst introduction comment EVER, but I’m not stressin’. I’m Bailey. you added me on twitter and I deplore capitals most of the time.
Funkdancer on April 10th, 2008 at 6:37 pm says:
Haha! That’s awesome, BOFH territory!
Justin Lilly on April 16th, 2008 at 10:08 am says:
I think you might have that YSB virus that’s going around. I’ll patch that up.
I think you have the YSBAYF … etc.
YSB = Ya shit’s broke!
YSBAYF = Ya shit’s broke.. and its yo’ fault!
smack on April 17th, 2008 at 6:24 pm says:
my favorite people are IT guys. I always feel bad for my two favorite people at work - someone is always at their desks with “my outlook keeps crashing” or “the printer is doing weird things”. I hope those weird things involve disco balls and goats.
Pete on April 19th, 2008 at 6:40 am says:
Try haiku:
Chaos reigns within
Repent, reflect, reboot
Order will return
Thomas Hofkens on May 13th, 2008 at 12:03 am says:
First thing I thought when I read this post: The IT Crowd xD
This is a GREAT scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwNwTjDLMP4
How to Not go Crazy as an IT guy.. « domkop on May 20th, 2008 at 11:31 pm says:
[…] came across this weird blog an IT dude like me wrote, and I thought that it’s pretty […]
simplyRik on June 12th, 2008 at 5:58 pm says:
Dude! This is funny. As an IT Service Management “Professional” read, IT Support Weenie. I have had situations like this and more. Craziest…. “My Monitor is broken.” Screen black, little green light off. Power On…. fixed! Idiot!